Shizuo the Unicorn
by Alternative Randomness
Summary: What happens when you cross Durarara! with Charlie the Unicorn? This story. Contains crack and randomness. Shizuo woke up with a bad feeling. Today was going to be weird.
1. Ootoro Mountain

_**Alright, not sure if anyone has done this idea before...**_

_**this idea came out of no where. I mean SERIOUSLY. It's so left field. **_

_**Anyway, not sure if anyone's done this yet.**_

_** But, this is Charlie the unicorn (1) DRRR! Style. **_

_**Shizuo is Charlie, Izaya and Psyche are the two other unicorns.**_

_**There is a very close reference to the video. **_

_**Most of the lines are word for word except with changes like instead of candy we have Ootoro and tuna. **_

_**Plus some other things were changed.**_

_**I don't own Durarara!, the alts OR Charlie the unicorn.**_

_**Warnings: crack~ and yeah, enjoy ^- ^**_

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><p>Shizuo knew something was terribly wrong when he woke up today. He could just feel it; something was going to happen, something wasn't quite right. He wasn't sure what it was about today that made him so edgy, it was just, a feeling he was getting.<p>

He continued to get dressed, his body alert as he looked around, his whole being paranoid. There just was something not quite right, damn it! He couldn't put his finger on it, but, he knew something weird was going to happen.

He finished getting ready and grabbed his cigarettes, lighter and sunglasses before leaving. The moment he stepped out, though, he felt as if eyes were watching him. Even so, he walked along, and, as he did the feeling of being watched increased as well as the addition of hearing ghost like whispers.

"Shizu-chan~"

"Shizu-chan~"

Annoying ghost like whispers.

"Hey~ Shizu-chan~"

"SHI-ZU-CHAN~"

The male gave a glare he looked face to face with the annoyant.

"What do you want, pink flea?"

The 'pink flea' giggled and shook his head.

"Did Shizu-chan already forget my name? Silly Shizu-chan! My name is Psyche, can you say Psyche?"

He asked playfully. All the while the 'original' flea was sneaky up behind the male.

"Psyche, I'll give you five seconds before I beat you into the concrete."

The male said, using the counting technique that most parents use on children. The raven pouted.

"Shizu-chan is such a meanie! If Shizu-chan does that then Tsu-chan won't be happy!"

He called to the other. The blonde was about to argue when he felt something jump onto his back.

"Shizu-chan~!"

"Flea! Get the hell of my back!"

"No can do, shizu-chan! You see, we are all going to go on an adventure!"

He said with a chuckle as he wrapped his legs around the others waist and put his arms up in the air.

Psyche giggled and threw his arms up to.

"We're going to Ootoro Mountain! Come with us, Shizu-chan!"

"Yeah Shizu-chan! It'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure Shizu-chan!"

The male just looked at them like they were either crazy or smoked something. He suspected both.

"Yeah... Ah, I'm just going to go to work now."

"No, Shizu-chan~!"

The raven cried as he bounced around on the other's back.

"You have to come with us to Ootoro Mountain!"

"Yeah Shizu-chan! Ootoro Mountain! It's a land of tuna and joy...and joy-ness."

As the pink eyed raven spoke the red wine eyed raven continued to bounce on the other's back thoroughly irritating him.

"Will you stop that and get off my back!"

The raven payed the male's complaints no mind.

"We're going to Ootoro Mountain Shizu-chan!"

"Yeah! Ootoro Mountain!"

The two continued with what they were doing. Every minute that passed wore down the brute's nerves that much more until he cracked.

"Alright, I'll go to your stupid Ootoro Mountain!"

The two ravens grinned. The informant hopped off the brute's back and grabbed one of his hands while the pink eyed raven took the other. Both were showing grins of victory.

The two skipped along, humming and singing as they pulled the irritated brute along the city streets.

"Lalala~ lalalala~" "Lalala~ lalala~"

"Urgh, enough with the singing already!"

The ravens pouted before looking forward and smirking. The ring wearing informant looked to the man beside him.

"Our first stop is over there, Shizu-chan."

The two walked over to what looked like, well, Shizuo had no idea what it looked like, but, whatever it is it sure was freaky as hell.

"Oh god, what is that?"

Izaya smirked and turned to the male.

"It's a leopluredon, Shizu-chan."

"A magical leopluredon!"

Psyche added in excitedly.

"It's gonna guide our way to Ootoro mountain."

The raven added in as he turned from the brute to the 'leopluredon'.

"Alright, fleas, you do know that there's no actual Ootoro mountain, right?"

The two male's eyes widened and their mouths opened before they both pointed comically at the male.

"SHUN THE NON BELIVER!"

"SHUUUN!"

"**SSSHHHUUUUNNN**!"

"Yeah."

The two turned as they heard a strange gurgling and then an odd groaning sound. They both listened intently, concentration clearly on their face while the blonde just stared at them like they were crazy.

"It has spoken!"

"It has told us the waaaaayyyyy~"

"It didn't say anything!"

The two then proceeded to skip onwards through the streets of ikebukuro. The bodyguard thought of simply slipping away and running off, however, no matter how high these two seemed they were still fleas and he was sure they'd easily track him down.

"It's just over this bridge, Shizu-chan!"

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder!"

The blonde just stared at the two who were taking an awfully long time to cross the street.

"Ah, you guys do know this isn't a bridge, right?"

"Shizu-chan...Shiiizzuu-chaaann. SSSHHIIZZUU-CCHHAAN~ SHIZU-"

The body guard felt a vein pop in his head as the red eyed informant continued to call how his name in that god awful tone he used for speaking.

"I'M RIGHT HERE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The raven gave a giggle.

"We're on a bridge Shizu-chan!"

The blonde swore to god the next moment he could the flea would be so dead.

Eventually though, the three made it to the 'Ootoro mountain', it looked a little odd, but, the two seemed excited about it. No surprise there.

"We're here!"

"Well, whattaya know? There actually is an Ootoro mountain."

The two ravens gave a smirk to one another behind the blonde's back before the dark clothed one began to dance and skip around.

"Ootoro Mountain, Ootoro Mountain ~ you fill me with fatty tuna-y goodness."

The pink eyed one jumped over to the slightly disturbed bodyguard and gave him an incredibly innocent grin.

"Go inside the Ootoro mountain cave Shizu-chan!"

The raven moved over, grabbing and snuggling the other's free arm and mirrored the pink eyed raven's innocent facial expression.

"Yeah Shizu-chan, go inside the cave. Magical wonders will behold when you enter~"

The body guard just looked to the two feeling somewhat scared. He really had no idea what to say to these to except to get off whatever they were on because it was plain disturbing, more so than normal.

"Yeah, uh, thanks but no thanks. I'm just gonna stay out here."

The pink eyed male pouted using his most persuasive puppy dog eyes on the male.

"But you have to enter the Ootoro mountain Ootoro cave Shizu-chan~!"

The male sighed, looking away from the raven. He knew the power of those eyes. He'd been victim to them before and the outcome was not pretty. Before he could walk away however this strange music began to play and out of nowhere some strange dancing Ootoro came out of the cave.

_"Oh when you're down and looking for some cheering up._  
><em>Well just head right on up to the tuna mountain cave.<em>  
><em>When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land!<em>  
><em>Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land!<em>  
><em>They've got Ootoro and Ootoro and tuna things.<em>  
><em>Oh so many things that will brighten up your day<em>  
><em>It's impossible to wear a frown in tuna town!<em>  
><em>It's the mecha of love and tuna cave!<em>

_They've got fatty tuna and Ootoro with little hats._  
><em>Tuna rats, tuna bats, it's a wonderland of fish.<em>  
><em>Ride the Ootoro train to town and hear the tuna band!<em>  
><em>Tuna bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land!<em>  
><em>Tuna ribbons stream across the sky and to the ground<em>  
><em>Turn around, it astounds! It's a dancing tuna tree<em>  
><em>In the tuna cave imagination runs so free!<em>  
><em>So now Shizuo, please, will you go into the cave!"<em>

What the hell. The brute was practically speechless. He had no idea what that just was! He was like mentally scarred for life!

Looking to his sides he saw the two ravens, the two puppy dog eyes. He sighed, he'd regret this! He knew he would in a second!

"Alright! Fine! I'll go into the freaking tuna cave. This had better be good."

The male said angrily as he walked inside. The two ravens grinned and followed him but stayed inside. The brute turned around at the sound of evil giggling and saw the two smirking and waving.

"Goodbye shizu-chan!"

"Yeah! Goodbye shizu-chan!"

The blonde was confused.

"Goodbye? What?"

The doors closed omniously then with a loud bang and the brute was left in total darkness.

"Hey! What's going on here?"

"Hello?"

The sound of quiet footsteps could be heard and the slightest giggle.

"Who is that!"

The male barked out angrily. Then after a second he felt something prick his neck and everything was black.

The next thing he knew he was waking up, a raging headache. He looked around.

"Ow, god. What happened?"

The male moved around. Where the hell was he? He looked around and found movement hard. He looked to his body. He was...tied up? He broke through the ropes easily and stood up. He was irritated damn it! He reached into his pocket for a cigarette. His eyes widened.

"They stole my freaking cigarettes!"

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><p><em><strong>I might make a few more chapters that will be inspired by the other episodes if enough people want it.<strong>_


	2. Cigarette king

_**Really, I have no idea. I finished most of my homework, but my arm was feeling weird from a needle I got today. I guess it got to my head. I really have no idea about whatever I've written… It's crack… Also, thanks for the reviews. I'm glad you liked it. This, however, is a big, nonsensical mess. I hope you can understand it and find humour.**_

_**Don't own Charlie the Unicorn, Durarara! or the alts!**_

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><p>The brute gave a groan before changing his position on the couch. He squirmed around, moving his shoulders, his hips, trying to find that ideal and comfortable spot to just lay and melt into the cushions of said piece of furniture.<p>

He had the day off today, since Tom was off doing, well, Shizuo wasn't quite sure, but, he was sure Tom knew what he was doing regardless.

He closed his eyes, allowing the television to just drone on in the background, fading out.

"Glub."

The blonde turned over on his side. It was probably just the television.

"_Glub, Glub."_

The blonde's eye twitched, that voice, it was irritatingly familiar and was getting on his nerves.

"Glub, glub glub."

"_Glub glub. Glub, glub!"_

The blonde gave a growl and opened his eyes to see two familiar ravens that he'd been seeing an awful lot lately.

"Flea, Pink Flea, what the hell are you doing?"

The blonde asked as he took in their current attire. They were dressed, as usua, however, on their faces were scuba masks and on their backs were mock oxygen tanks.

Both ravens gave a giggle and 'floated' around, pretending to swim around the blonde's apartment.

"Look, over there! It's a coral reef."

The raven called to his pink eyed copy. The other gave a silent gasp and 'swam' over, closer to the other.

Shizuo just gave a sigh. Looks like they were high again, or, whatever they were on. Maybe they were just naturally this delusional, it would really explain a lot.

"Oh look, it's you guys…. And you're floating."

He said with sarcasm as he lied back down after sitting up to look at them.

The raven gave a chuckle and shook his head, the magenta eyed raven did the same.

"We're scuba diving Shizu-chan!"

The magenta eyed raven jumped up and down, nodding and further explaining.

"_Shizu-chan, we're exploring the depths of the ocean blue~"_

Psyche said with a grin. The two continued to swim around, both laughing at random moments as if they were having some sort of communication in their head. It was really pissing the blonde off.

"Oh no! Here comes a school of poisonous 'Fuugoo fish!"

"_Nooo, FUUUUGOOOOO!"_

The blonde looked back to the television. Maybe if he ignored these two pests they'd leave because of loss of attention.

"Ya gotta watch out for those. So, uh, go away! I'm watching TV!"

He yelled to the two. It seemed like he really couldn't ignore them all that well.

The two seemed to grow quiet for a moment, the blonde turned to look at them and felt worry flow through his as the hair on the backs of his head rose. He glanced back to the television but it was too late.

Suddenly there was a large flash and out of no where a large black hole appeared in the middle of his floor. He stared at it, the only words running through his head were; "What the fuck?"

"The vortex is opened!"

"What the fuck is this?"

The two scuba diving ravens began to 'swim' frantically while they moved backwards, towards the vortex.

"Shizu-chan! We're being pulled into the vortex!"

"_Swim away fuugoo fish! Swim away!"_

The pink wearing raven called as the two moved further and further towards the black hole, of, well, blackness. It was all pretty convincing and, truth be told, Shizuo found himself starting to actually panic about the two. Still, they were… only joking, right?

"Come on now, you guys are freaking me out. Turn this… thing off!"

He called out with panic. The raven, who was struggling to get away just like the other shook his head.

"There is no stopping the vortex, Shizu-chan."

"_Fuugoo!"_

Shizuo watched with panic as the two ravens were sucked into the vortex and then it disappeared. What had happened to them, he didn't know. But, he was feeling kind of bad for not helping that, plus, Tsugaru was so going to kill him. But then again, the fleas were involved in this, so, perhaps this was all an elaborate scheme of theirs, well, Izaya's, to toy with his feelings.

"Guys? Guys? Or well, I'm not really sure what you two are, you're pretty enough to be girls…."

He said as he called out to the two. Maybe there were all hiding?

"Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan! I have the amulet!"

Nope, it seems like this vortex stuff was indeed real. He looked, with worry, the black thing that had opened once again. He glanced at it, wondering if the pink flea was going to come it, he really hoped he would, he didn't want to go home and get beaten by a protective and worried Tsugaru, really, Tsugaru could be even scarier than Shizuo when it came to Psyche.

"What amulet? What the hell is going on?"

"The amulet Shizu-chan, the magical amulet!"

The blonde looked over to the insane raven with a look that reminded him of said insanity but then a loud kind of popping sound reached the blonde's ears and he turned his head. He sighed in relief at the sight.

"_Sparkle, sparkle, sp-sparkle!"_

Thank God Psyche was- goddammit!

The blonde watched as the pink eyed raven jumped back into the vortex, which, by the way, looked suspiciously like the black smoke that came out of Celty's head….

"I have no freaking idea what you are talking about flea!"

The other barked with a mixture of feelings coursing through him.

"The amulet~"

And with that both ravens were gone once again and Shizuo was left with more questions than he had answers. The blonde just sat there, in silence, but, of course, no silence lasts long in Ikebukuro.

Within a time span of ten seconds both ravens had popped out of the vortex before it vanished once again.

"We did it!"

"_We got the amulet!"_

The blonde just gave a groan, despite everything he was getting a headache from these two, they really do get on his nerves, especially when they're in this on acid state.

"Greaat, now, GO AWAY! I'm tired of the horrible things that happen when you're around!"

He called out as he rubbed his head. He had a freaking headache now and all he wanted was some freaking sleep! Last time these freak had come past they had stole his cigarettes, which sucked. He really hoped nothing bad would happen this time, however, he was currently in the presence of fleas, and therefore, nothing could could ever come from that…. Ok, MAYBE some good might come from it, however, if Shizuo were to voice the particular voice in his head not only would Tsugaru beat him twice as much, to death, but Izaya, his possessive little flea, would also do a tag team with Tsugaru to kill him.

"No Shizu-chan~"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOO~"_

The two little freaks then began to…. Pant or hyperventilate or something… the blonde really didn't know. Maybe this was a side effect from….whatever they took. No doubt Shinra gave this stuff to them, the freaking creep.

However, it seemed they reacted from that pretty quickly, which was weird, to the blonde anyway.

"We have to take the amulet to the cigarette king Shizu-chan~"

The blonde arched a brow and sighed. No matter what he did they didn't seem to ever be listening and they certainly wouldn't leave, fleas were persistent little pests. So, the blonde thought he might play along….sarcastically, of course.

"Oh, yes, the cigarette king, of course. Absolutely not!"

"_He's, he's counting on us, Shizu-chan."_

The pink eyed raven said, begging the blonde. The other raven pipped up, helping the other out.

"If we don't get the amulet to the cigarette king then the vortex will open and let out a thousand years of darkness!"

"_Nooo~ Darkness~!"_

The blonde arched an eyebrow, but then, suddenly out of nowhere, the sound of incredibly close thunder and then, guess what? The vortex opened again, but, as the blonde saw, tendrils of black came out, clawing at things while the sound of shrieking could be heard. It was pretty convincing.

"Wahh! Alright, fine, I'll go, I'll go!"

"Ya_ay!"_

The ravens cheered and jumped up and down, clapping as they were obviously happy with this outcome. Of course, with Shizuo's compliance the dark hole mysteriously vanished. Tch. Typical.

"_Darkness~"_

The blonde felt compelled to face palm.

* * *

><p>The three were walking down town, the two ravens skipping ahead in front of Shizuo, who had a cigarette firmly clamped between his lips, following after them. How the hell did he get stuck in these kinds of situations? Really, he could've said no, but he'd just keep getting irritated until he agreed.<p>

"Blllllllllllp."

. . . . . . .

What the hell? What _was_ that? It sounded like… some weird alien noise. You know, when you like stick your tongue in and out of your mouth and make like some sort of noise? Well, he really wasn't sure what it was, but, these two ravens seemed to be having some sort of conversation.

"_Blllllllllllp."_

"Blllllllllllp."

"_Blllllllllllp."_

_. . . . . . . . . . ._

The blonde's eye twitched.

"Blllleetelelelele~"

"What the hell are you two doing?"

"Blllllllllllp."

"_Blllllllllllp."_

The blonde grunted in annoyance.

"Stop that!"

"Blllllllllllp."

If they did it one more time, Shizuo swore he'd end the ravens right then and there.

Or cut off their tongues.

The blonde's looked to the two ravens after closing his eyes. He had hoped that when he opened them he'd be back at his apartment, however, they were still there, much to his disappointment.

They were staring at something, so, naturally the blonde looked up to.

What the hell was a giant letter 'Z' doing on the street?

"What the hell is that doing there?"

"Z_!"_

The two then continued to prattle off in a language the other didn't know, and frankly, by the looks on their faces and the tones of their voices, the blonde didn't _want_ to know…ever.

The two proceeded to laugh, as if the letter had told a joke or something. The blonde raised and eyebrow and was about to take a smoke of his cigarette when some freaking laser popped out of nowhere and shot the cigarette, immediately turning it to ash.

"What the hell! What did you two do!"

The two just ignored him and continued their foreign conversation, only further irritating the blonde. Really, he had no idea why he hadn't left yet.

There was more laughter on the two and the blonde felt the need to duck, just in case another laser came out, luckily for him though, there was no laser, just a mencasing, giant red Z in the middle of the street.

The two ravens laughed freely, further scaring the blonde.

"Just keep walking Shizuo, just keep walking."

The blonde continued on until he saw a….giant show, a sneaker to be exact, in the middle of the street. Was the city having some weird sculpture exhibit around town or something? Seriously, what was with this stuff? Sure, Ikebukuro was a crazy place, but, this was just over the scale.

"Hop onto the train Shizu-chan~!"

"_It's gonna take us to the cigarette king!"_

The raven called out as he waved over to the blonde. Said blonde looked up, his eyes looking around the place. The hell?

"I don't see any train, you guys. All I see if this giant sneaker."

"It's the choo-choo shoe, Shizu-chan!"

"The choo-choo shoe!"

"Hurry Charlie! It's about to leave!"

The blonde's eye merely twitched as the two ravens climbed into the shoe.

"Chuga-_chuga. _Chuga-_ chuga. . _Chuga-_ chuga. Choo-_Shoe!"

The two chanted. The blonde just backed away slowly.

"Yeah…I forgot my boarding pass; so, I think I'll just walk…"

And Shizuo did walk, well, he pushed the shoe down the street. Damn flea, damn their cleaver minds and sexy bodies!

So, just as the ravens wished they had arrived at the temple. Shizuo stepped back from the shoe, cracking his knuckles and stretching out his back.

"We're here, Shizu-chan! The temple of the cigarette king!"

The blonde looked around. It really wasn't much, just some old park with some patio on the top of some stairs.

"Great~ Let's leave the amulet here and go home."

The blonde said, eager to leave. Maybe he'd get some piece now that he'd done what the ravens had wanted.

Of course, things just couldn't be that easy and things just _had_ to get weirder.

The blonde watched as something… really weird came out. He had no idea how to describe it, however, it was incredibly hidous and creepy. It was like a mix of so many animals, and the colour, it was a weird green. Over all, it was horrifying and disgusting and just so wrong.

"What is that?"

He could've been talking to brick walls, the others didn't answer.

"No, really. You guys see it right?"

. . . . . . .

"I gotta be honest. I'm getting really creeped out here."

. . . . . .

"Somebody say something!"

There were three grins then; two from the raven and one from the thing. The sound of music started to soak the air and a feeling of dread washed over the other.

_Shizuo you look quite down with your big sad eyes and your big fat frown._

_The world doesn't have to be so grey~_

_Shizuo, when your life's a mess,_

_When you're feeling blue or is in distress,_

_I know what can wash that sad away~_

_All you have to do is…._

_Put a cigarette in your ear!_

"A cigarette in my ear?"

_Put a hot cigarette right into your favourite ear!_

_It's true._

"Says who?"

_So true, once it's in your gloom will disappear._

_The bad in the world is hard to hear when in your ear a cigarette cheers._

_So, go and put a cigarette in your ear._

_Put a cigarette right into your favourite ear! _

"I'd rather keep my ear clear."

_You will never be happy if you live your life in fear._

_It's true._

"Says you."

_So true, when it's in the skies are bright and clear._

_Oh, everyday of every year the sun shines bright on this big blue sphere._

_So, go and put a cigarette in your ear!_

"Oh, of course he burst into flames."

A highly disturbed Shizuo said as he watched whatever that creepy ass thing was burst into flames.

The two ravens, of course, seemed unfazed at all by this.

"Go forth magical amulet! Return to the cigarette king!"

The amulet seemed to illuminate then, levitating into the air and shining a bright light from it. The light moved all around before focussing on the blonde.

"Shizu-chan, you're the cigarette king!

The raven called as he jumped onto his brute's back, giving him an enthusiastic hug, while, secretly hooking on some wires to the brute.

"What? Hey, hey, hold on a minute!"

The blonde said as he felt himself rise into the air. He looked down to the two as the light continued to shine on him. This, this couldn't be the amulet's doing…right?

"_You're the cigarette king Shizu-chan!"_

"No, I'm not! That doesn't make sense!"

"All hail the cigarette king!"

"I'm not the cigarette king!"

The blonde called out, irritated. He wasn't a king. Dammit!

"You ARE the cigarette king!"

"No, I'm…I'm…"

The blonde felt himself waver. It did kind of….make sense. I mean, he _does_ smoke a lot, so, I guess it made sense, plus, his brother, Tsugaru, seemed like some type of royalty with his regal and calm personality and aura. Maybe…maybe he was a king…

"_Cigarette, cigarette, cigarette!"_

The blonde felt a crown lower on his head. He touched it and felt something inside him swell as the amulet's light shine brighter.

"I-I am the cigarette king!"

"Yaaa_aaaay!"_

"_You are the cigarette king!"_

"I'm the cigarette king! Yeah!"

As the blonde swelled and grew more to his apparent title he failed to realise everyone leaving. Looking around once he heard no response he arched a brow before he frowned.

"H-hey! Where'd everyone go?"

He was met with silence.

"Guys? Hello? Get me down from here!"

The sound of faltering, like a light was bursting, rang to his ears. The light of the amulet started dimming and all of a sudden the blonde fell to the floor. He gave an off as he got up, unscathed, of course.

He kicked the amulet, watching it fly, hit a tree and go straight through the trunk. Of, bloodly, course the two had left. It was so typical. It was another freaking prank!

The blonde walked home, irritated and fuming. He unlocked his door, walked inside and dropped his keys.

"Fuck! They robbed me!"

He called out as he saw that all of his furniture, that wasn't built into the house, was gone. There was a note, of course, but he didn't bother reading it, instead, he just ripped it up angrily. Those damn fleas!

As if it couldn't get any worse, it did.

"Shizu-chan~"

The blonde turned sharply to see half a raven. The top half peeking out of that vortex again.

"What the hell do you want, freaking flea! I am going to freaking kill you!"

There was silence and then;

"Bllllllllllllllllllllllet."

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><p><em><strong>Well, I hope that somehow amused you... review if you liked and even if you didn't!<strong>_


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